Pictures are Awesome. New Policy...

I have decided pictures are awesome.

So, in each post, I shall now post an unrelated photo from the massive, horribly unorganized sea of files that is my computer. It's really now my fault though. There are documents from four different computers on here. I have four my documents, four downloads, extra files flying all over the place, you get the idea.

It's awesome though.

And since it's close to your bedtime, how about a soothing photo so you can have nice dreams.

Ok. That might have been a little mean.

Here's a better one.

It's an adorable freaking angel of a whale. 

GOODNIGHT. 

Bacon, Candy, Sickness, Happiness, and Hoodies

Most of that is a good mix.

Just not the candy and sickness xD

I am not sure if i said anything before abotu this, but I have a beloved bacon necklace that I lost at the WI Dells.

Well, I ordered two of them and here they are ^^
I'm chipper that I have my babies back.

I also got a ton of Starburst.
My aching stomach hasn't gotten much health today.

But, most importantly is the extreme happiness I have received lately.
I'm not going farther into it. I won't even let you guess. But I am amazingly happy.
Besides the fact that I am ALWAYS grounded.
I try to be a good child, but I don't think it's working out.
but more on that later.
I'm never this happy normally *pokes old posts*

ALSO I have shopped extensively.

I got a GIR hoodie from hot Topic. It is adorable, and soft. I shall upload a picture because it's awesome.
I also got a skeleton hoodie, where the back, front, arms, and hood are covered in adequately realistic bones. When you zip it up, you can zip up the hood to make a skull.
Another picture I shall upload.
AND 2 striped tank tops, one grey & blue, one black & white, this super studded sparkly tank top thing, a black tank top (you never can have enough), and two pairs of needed, graciously accepted jeans.
And a pair of deliciously awesome boots. Another picture I shall upload.

^^ EEEEEK
I'm so very happy.

I also should get off this dang computer. I haven't done school all week o_o
Yes. i will post the pics and be done. COUNT ON IT.

And yes. I do realize I have a weird obsession with black and white cameras.

I Am Hated

I truly am.

WHY DO PEOPLE HATE ME?
Why do they block me, why do they complain about me?

Jeez. I want to tell them something horrible and inappropriate.

They need to get their asses kicked up the street and back down it.

But they won't.

Karma needs to catch up in the life race already.

I wish my friends weren't all gone all Friday night because I need to talk to them.
Screw everything that hates me.

Listen to Surfacing by Slipknot so I don't have to say it myself.

Bye.
I have lots to say about vacation but my night is therefore RUINED completely by unchristian idiots and I can't concentrate.
Besides that I lost my Bacon necklace, my favorite one of all, all because of my misbehaving siblings at the Wilderness resort.

I'm freaking done now.
I can't believe that I need MORE metal after listening to it for 4 hours straight. And I only have 200 something songs. And I didn't listen to ALL of them.

I hate people.

I AM HATED.
YOU ARE HATED.
WE ARE HATED.
I AM HATED!

No jellyfish for you at the end of this post. Why do I have to care about people anymore?
Why do I run after idiots?

I better concentrate on the better people (you're probably the only one reading this anyways) I know.
I'm just too angry to respond to their messages kindly right now.

clownstomatoesgorrilasscrewlifeitsucksGOODNIGHT

SlipKnot, Puke, Clowns, and Vacation

I really love SlipKnot. 

They are AMAZING.  I love Duality and Eyeless, and No Life, and I Am Hated. 

And others. 

I looked up all of them. They all have awesome masks. I'm sure you wouldn't know what I was talking about, but this one guy in the band who does percussion (one of three drummers really) who has a mask with a long nose (his name is Chris Fehn) is born on my birthday! He's 23 years older, but still. 

And I got over my fear of puking, when I found this hilarious story; Okay, so this one guy in the band who wears a clown mask found a dead crow on his driveway. He kept it in a huge pickle jar and took it on stage with him. When it started to rot, he'd open the jar. it would make him puke all over the inside of his mask. Then he'd offer the puke to people in the crowd and they'd take it and then puke themselves. 

Gross. 

Awesome. 

Also, he was given a beaver's tail that a cop found on the side of the road. On stage, he and the singer squeezed it on their faces and ate it. 

Then they puked and puked and puked later on, and asked each other why the hell they did that. 

And Chris Fehn pukes at 7:25 in the song Scissors. 

Unfortunately, I don't get to be not scared of anything. 

As soon as I got over my fear, my little 2 year old brother Q got puking sick. 

I opened the door to his room when it was time for him to get up from his nap when he was crying and crying. I picked him up right away and hugged him mentioning to him how warm, sweaty, and wet he was, and went into his room to turn off his sound machine and open his blinds. 

And in his bed and stuff was a lot of puke. 

And I put him down. 

He was warm with puke. I ran to the stairs, screaming for dad, and they started taking care of him as I quickly changed, washed my hands, washed my cheeks and sprayed disinfectant into my hair and put in it a ponytail. 

Then I sprayed every single object in sight with disinfectant. 

It took all day, and i saw almost every single time he threw up again. 

Sick D:

Worse for me is my awful, life-altering fear of puking. 

I get so freaked. 

Now I'm still shaking after he's almost recovered if I'm going to get puking sick, or anyone else. 

PLEASE GOD DON'T LET ANY OF US GET PUKING SICK. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. 

Besides the fact my parents, friends, and siblings don't want to hear about it and I can't get help to make me feel better about wanting to not feel bad, I have been quite cheery lately. 

After a considerably horrible week and a considerably awful last week, I am happy to know that we'll be taking a mini-vacation to the WI Dells. We'll be going to the House on the Rock, and staying overnight at Chula Vista resort. 

ALLELUIA. 

I really pray we don't get sick then. Wouldn't that blow?

IT WOULD FRICKIN SUCK. 

Anyways. 

I have memorized the number 742617000027 because it's a name of a song by SlipKnot. The name came from the bar code on their first album made, and they coined the number. 

The song just says over and over with different speeds to weird, squealy guitars, "The whole thing I think is SICK."

I also bought a wizard's hat and a gorilla key chain with an LED  light inside. I used them both in some pictures, and I am very pleased with them xD

I have gotten together my halloween party plans. Finally. I plan to send out invitations the first week of October. The plan is for my friends to come at noon, we eat, then hang around, get into our costumes and listen to music, and then at 4 we all go trick-or-treating. Afterwards, a sleepover with a scary movie commences :D

My costume, I have decided, will be an undead clown. 

I will do my face in a huge clown smile, but blacken out around the eyes a bit and add the generic blue star thing to each eye. I also might make my eyebrows a bit more expressively angry. 

Then, I'll let the blood run out of my mouth and get it all over my chin and stuff, make some running down my white clown face... I also have these temporary tattoos that look like cuts. I'll line them up on my neck to look like someone sliced there, and drip blood from that. I'll also get blood all over my white shirt. I'm going to wear a white shirt under a (rather fashionable) 'leather' jacket, and keep the jacket open and have a tie around my neck, and jeans and converse on. 

I still need a wig from a Halloween store or Bart's, blood from anywhere (I don't have enough at the moment), a tie from Goodwill, and some clown make-up from Kmart or someplace. 

If I get knee converse by then, I'll be even happier. 

So enough with that then. 

I can't wait!

"Everything sucks and I can prove it, 

Everybody dies, shuffle on, remove it..."

~ SlipKnot (I Am Hated)

Screw Life

It would be more violently named, of course, but I usually don't say that out loud.

Man, I put my life in God's hands, and apparently He doesn't seem to like anything that's happening to me at the  moment. I don't ever get my way in life, do I?

Screw all those people that I'm thinking of right now who need to fall in a pit with their friends and die.

Screw school and college.
I just want to be left alone.

People hate my personality. People don't like the way I look, or talk (I don't like my voice either, but...), or my tastes.
I have to run after people. I have to start conversations.

I'm done.
I am extremely mad, stressed, ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I'm breaking out, I have some awkward things going on with friends, I'm forever alone because I'm hated apparently, I' failing life because I have not gotten college prep crap done, I have no clothes for this weather, I'm my own teacher (my fault really), I'm a 24/7 babysitter, and I work my ass off - life sucks.

LIFE SUCKS, AND THEN YOU DIE.

I want a refund on my life if it doesn't change for the better in the next ten years.
I could have it much worse.

But I also could have it much better.

The only solution is to ignore everything and just write.
I just realized that Day versus Night is the book I channel my emotions into. I never write in it when life is good.

That's ten full chapters, 180,000 characters, 45,000 words, 220 pages of emotional shit.
Of course my imagination is a gory pit.

"Take this life...I'm right here, stay awhile and breathe me in." - In Flames

Fairy Godmother

Yes, my fairy godmother has come to rescue Cinderella and let her go to the dance...

After long dialogues passed around and around between my mother and me, she came to the conclusion that I'd never be able to rectify this idiotic situation if I weren't able to confront these people. Her terms and conditions which I have forcibly accepted tell that I would only be able to go if my friend Stacy were to, just because she is extremely similar to me. My conditions? I get to go to the dance in a prom dress.
My other friends, including Stacy, and I have plotted to party up the dance like it were our only prom. We're going to go in dresses, take awesome pictures, and dance away.

No challenge to large to be accepted. 

The only way I can make it work is if I somehow get Stacy, bring back at home (meet halfway with her mom, perhaps at the Basilica), get the dresses and other crap, and someone go to the other friend's house and dress there. We'd have to enter as a unit. If I get the little note of acceptance from my friend Stacy, than I shall bother my other friends with it.
Will it work? No idea.
Will I try with all my human might to make it work? Challenge accepted.
This will work. IT HAS TO.

I will wear my beautiful flowing blue prom dress.
Yes, there are two small rips at the feet. Yes, there's one unnoticeable dash of chocolate on it from the last prom. And yes, it's strapless, so I'll wear something underneath and just be a boss and tie it really tight.
Because I'm awesomely thin. I could say hawhaw to everyone who isn't just by wearing that dress.
If anything, I'll be smashing with my awesome friends and we'll be too awesome for those boys to handle.

Crap, I had to say boys. Boy, I really shouldn't. Crap.
Actually, I've been talking to more than less lately. They are very interesting...I just only made real friends with some this year. Hard to admit, as a whole, they make better friends. It's rare to find a nice girl to be friends with. Girls are brutal when they're mean. Boys are real easy to talk to, easy to get along with, have good senses of humor, usually like decent music.

Yet here I am, forever alone. Don't get why they don't like me that way. If i were in a real school I'd probably have had some weird boyfriend long before now. I'm almost 17 and haven't kissed anyone yet.

One of the small tiny faults with homeschooling - no romance. Never. Zilch. I haven't seen it at least.
I'm never the romantic person, but by gosh, if I get confused by some guy again I'll scream. I wish some people knew about this type of thing, because they know less than I do at the moment. Whatever.
Not that I have a particular favorite among my friends.
They're all cool. They're my buds.
Ends there.
Same with girls.

I'm just quite perplexed by them. Their minds are much different.
I just don't even try to care anymore. I'm just going to get myself to that dance.
No one will want to dance with me, and that's fine.
No guy will probably talk to me, and that's fine.
I don't even try. It's ok.

By the way, I'm still seething over those two kids and their completely uncalled for unchristian remarks about my level of maturity. Who do they think they are?! When they said "This is a highschool dance, you need to act like highschoolers" I should have said "This is a Christian dance, you need to act like Christians."
But I didn't.
Slipknot has it down though.

"I can't remember, I don't understand

Is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you
I laugh cause there's nothing to say
You can't begin to consider the
Palpable hate in the air when you're here
None of us wonder what weather you're under
You're making it perfectly clear! "

Jigsaw Humans

I'm completely confuzzled over so many things.

The amount of questions I wish could be revealed to me have been selfishly ignored.
If only it were proper to ask questions like I wish, maybe my head wouldn't be flopping in the ability to even soak up the concepts of people's actions.
I mean, what do they mean?
People have such ulterior motives for everything.
I swear that if an action was like a scratchcard, there would always be some motive to be found underneath.
It's like seeing scratchcards in a case, and you can't afford to lose to gain them and get the answers, which might even be worse because there is probably things hidden that shouldn't be found.
There's no telling what people want, or expect of me, or think about me without being straightforward.
I wish I was just given the answers. I wish that the confusing people would go up to me and tell me.
Come on, if you want to tell me something, then do it! I am always willing to hear. I would always like to know. whatever it is, I'll never make fun of you, or talk about you. I wish people wouldn't be so cautions and tippy toe about their every move in life.
And ti's because of other people I wouldn't dare try to find out myself.
I have been broken out of my innocence like someone cracking a thin, delicate egg. I know to trust no one. I wouldn't risk uncomfortable and even friendship-ending questions.
But, dammit, where's the answers?!

There's no solution. People have extremely complex, unbreakable minds that do things and know things, and no one can find out what they mean. What do they really mean when they say this, or tell me that, or act like this to me, or be like that to me? It's solving a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle without the picture on the box, and no-one around to help. You just sit in the heap of taunting pieces, and only are able to crack the code on the very outside. You can never go further, because everything is there to puzzle you. No one said the puzzle hoped you'd finish it. It just does what it does to confuse you because that's what it's here for. And that's how I feel about most humans I meet.
Some I talk to enough to get deeper, but most others I see enough to care about but not enough to get them are unsolvable unless I were to rudely ask.

I feel like the people that I need answers from are just using me to puzzle with, like the are trying to keep up in their life and I'm in it, and they will put me in a different place until they need me, and if they do want or need me will do a thousand odd things to make me come out again, which in no way seriously would be the right way to straightforwardly do so.

I wish people came with manuals.

life is a path, death a destination. - demon hunter

My Muscles are Screaming in Agony

That gym class just showed my how out of shape I had gotten over the summer like hand sanitizer shows you that you have a cut on your hand that you never knew you had.

It was a first class of the season, too.
Though, she did go right ahead and start with 5 laps and this most tortuous push-up things where you had to be in push up position and bend your arms slightly, and it was agonizing.

Then, Maria and I were talking so much during our situps that was accidentally did over 90 (we'll just say at least 35 good quality situps). My stomach muscles punch my stomach every time I move D:

The fun didn't really being until MUCH later when we played a sort of dodgeball. 18 small balls, two teams.
Unfortunately, being a particularly talented thrower, I got out easily because people could catch them. Boo.
You had to keep moving in the sidelines when you were out, so I did a little dance or so until I got back in. It was crazy. I didn't even like that game.
Afterwards, we played football.
I won't give more details on that.

Either way, I'm just a mass of sore muscle right now, with a migraine.

"insert extremely relevant and emotionally suiting inspiring song lyrics here"

Cinderella Won't Be Dancing

One of my favorite monthly activities is to go to our homeschooler's dance.
It's a very delightful event, really.
You don't have to dance. you don't even have to wear shoes (I probably should - after my toe infections died down, my toenails started rotting offer, and I cut a lot of it off so I have two really odd looking toenails)

And ALL. my. friends. are going.

Well, lookie here now. Who says I don't get to go? My mom. Who is right for doing it? My mom.
Actually, my mom totally is doing the right thing.
It's all because of two immature teens.

Now, I do admit I'm inadvertently loquacious while horsing around with friends.
I even got the dance to ban toys, though I just used the toy tongue to communicate.
It was because people threw it on the ceiling later on.
Idiots.

Actually, I was quite my age, mannerwise and otherwise, at that dance.

But some girl had to shoot off her mouth.
She said for us to act like highschoolers.
To act mature.
MATURE. As if I'm not mature!
Well, I didn't want to cause trouble. I thought it was a Christian dance. I though I shouldn't retaliate, and if I just laughed it off, she'd be even madder. So I laughed her off and left Miss Mature alone.
The next day my friend mentioned me to her and she said I wasn't my age at all.
And my friend's bothersome brother had to agree.
Both of them are immature themselves just for having gossiped.

It's for my own good I have to not get to go to the dance.
If I were with them now, I'd have a thing or two to tell them.
It's just sick how people toss around someone else's reputation like it's nothing.

And all y friends and I were planning on showing up in prom dresses.
What a while of fun, ruined for me.
I told everyone I knew was going, and they all said they'd go to the Sunday night bible study instead.
Which is quite fun as well.

So, at least I get something. not as good as the dance, but I can't complain, I suppose.
But I will eradicate this sick problem when I am able.

Back soon with another post!